what is necessary? what is real? what comes naturally, what must i do intentionally?

it's so hard to honestly believe i've stayed here this long. i don't even need to go pull out my journal from this past fall/winter, i know exactly what i'll find because i've done it so many times before. i turned writing into something it may not have ever supposed to have been.

i fell in love with so many of you, in spirit. i don't know if this was ever returned and maybe i'm just a tad too late on this sort of proclamation, but i got so attached to the personas we all portrayed in this place. i feel like we created a building, a place to visit each others hearts and sometimes touch hands. but maybe the bricks didn't have enough to hold them together, or maybe i simply walked away. but i don't know if i love writing anymore. i don't even know what i'm saying but i know that something is different and i don't know if i can do this anymore. i've been told that this is what makes me who i am but where will this get me? who i am is not words on a page, who i am is someone who breathes, loves, hopes, and prays. and i've let it go by so long without even mentioning once that i'm a christian. and i don't like that definition, so maybe i should jsut tell you that i believe in jesus. i don't always, in fact i rarely do what i say that i believe in. but i try, and i'm still trying, and i've been trying harder, i swear. i jsut don't know what comes next, in every respect. i don't know what it is my job to do next.

i've gotten letters from a lot of you out there, and some of you i really feel close to. in fact, you've taught me as much about myself, life, and writing than half of the people that i see every day, whether you realize that or not.

i don't know what any of this says about me. i guess part of me is just done with trying. in essence, writing isn't all i've got anymore. i've got a hope, a future, a chance that i never dreamed would come this close to me. and i'm so in love and i've got something that's going to last a lifetime. no, longer. i swear i do these yearly statements of...re-evaluation, something. check up on how i've changed, i guess. and you probably saw this coming, it's been far too long in one place for me - you can find me somewhere new, i'll check back and let you know. and maybe somewhere new i can explain myself in a way that you will get some good writing but more importantly some honesty. and we can all, i don't know. cross our fingers and pray for winter.

 

      there's really no hope for me 
      and that three second rule
      somethin gets dropped
      and still i'm the slowest damn fool
      slow to realize what's really going on
      slow to know in a moment
      who or what has gone wrong
      and you gotta crawl through the desert
      between when you hear it 
      and when you can play it with your hands
      just to rendezvous with whoever you are 
      when you finally understand
                                                       --ani d.

sometimes i'm on the edge and i feel like one morning i might wake up and realize i was wrong about everything, all along. and then, most every morning, i wake up, and i don't. but what would happen if i sneezed and everything broke?